Difficulty

Ever since I was a child, I have had a difficult time expressing my feelings towards others. Especially people that aren't family. I've always seen the bonds others had while I looked on from away wishing I could experience it. I have had opportunities, but for some reason they were always stripped from me the moment I had a taste of it. I knew two kids across the street from me growing up, they moved away not long after I met them. Never heard from them again, but I did see their mother again years later after we all grew up. I had a dog I named Charlene. I lost her because we had to move and when this happened we conveniently moved to a house slightly behind the one we were living in before that didn't allow pets. The friend I eventually got to me was a "socalledfriend". Him and his cousin were trouble and they use to team up and make fun of me. Kids in school, some of the teachers, and strangers during my childhood really hurt me and they didn't even know that I was being scarred at home. I have been sad most of my life, with no real friends to speak of. You know, like the ones we see on TV that keep in touch forever and happily ever after. Never had one of those. I came close in high school. Whether she knows it or not I had the biggest crush on her, just because she spoke to me. I have feelings, but I have kept them so bottled up over the years because.... Well I don't know why!! Maybe I am afraid of being hurt, maybe I am afraid of losing yet someone else again, or maybe it's because I am always seeking for approval that isn't there. I don't know the reason, if I did I wouldn't be in therapy at the moment. I just know one thing for sure!

I'm Tired!!!

I'm tired of holding in my feelings, I am tired of holding in who I am because nobody relates to me. I am tired of waking up every morning wondering why I am on this planet. I am tired of comparing myself to others. The list can go on and on, but those two words above this paragraph says it all. Everyday I log on to Facebook, I log on hoping that someone would say they understand me and could actually say something that would make me believe it. Their isn't anyone like that though because I am one of the few people out there that are truly unique. It's not a boast, it's the truth.

Ask yourself this: When you see a couple with a newborn how do you react?

Most people are happy for them and congratulates them for the birth of their newborn. People who are already parents have common ground can go a little further and talk about their own experiences. Couples who want kids can still relate, and single women who are at the age where they want to be parents pretty much can do the same and be happy for the new parents. Me on the other hand, I get cold. First thing I think is that I hope they know what they are doing as far as parenting is concerned. I wonder what kind of life will the child have growing up, hoping said child's life will be better than mines, and wonder why someone would want to bring a child up in this world in the first place. Then I go back to my testicular cancer battle and remind myself that in all likelihood I can't father children and this was done to me because I would be an unfit parent. All of the things I had done to me has numbed my compassion as a human externally. Feel as though someone out there got it right in my case. Ironically, not in others (I have a theory about that coming up in Am I Thinking That). I stay away from my nephew thinking that I may damage him in some way. I don't know I just don't feel right. My feelings are there, but I can't act upon them. I know I'm depressed, but You don't even know the half of it!

Goodnight