Open letter to Grocery Chains! Quit being so judgemental!

Hello,

You may not know me, but I shop in your stores infrequently. I do this not because of lack of interest in your products, No! Your products are what get me and other people to your stores to shop and your deals keep us coming. I commend you for that, and I am sure not many people say this about you but you do what it takes to keep us coming. Not out of concern for people mind you, but because of your bottom line.

Like I said you keep me coming. I see a new gadget and I just have to have one, no matter how much money I have or who I have to trample to get my new gadget. Heck I'm typing on my brand new HP All-In-One and I'm loving it. I love that I don't have a big bulky tower, towering over my right leg and causing me bruises. I'm loving how I could opt to type this blog post on my touch screen instead of my keyboard if i want to (just did with that last sentence). I admire how my monitor is so big that I don't need a stand. However, I don't love how I am treated whenever I stroll a store to buy my items.

Even though we are all created equal, we don't all behave the same or in a similar fashion. Sure the average person could step outside their home and engage conversation with someone they barely know, and in some extreme cases talk to strangers for hours at a time like they knew this person their whole lives (LOL) Not everyone is like this. When I leave the house I cringe. I have to fight with myself in order to stay outside and not run back in. I go out of my way to try and avoid people just so I don't feel inadequate in front of others. I would sooner turn around go a different route even if it would take me a longer amount of time to get to my destination, just so I'd feel comfortable. Just because I don't make eye contact with someone doesn't mean I think they are a bad person or I have bad intentions. It could mean that I suffer from some type of mental illness.

I went to a department store to by a few things like socks and shirts because I hadn't bought any in 5+ years, because I lacked money to buy things I needed on a regularl basis. I grab a cart, and I'm minding my own business. I am feeling a bit jittery and nervous because of the crowds of people in this superstore, so I end up going into what I call "instinct mode". Its my way of coping. I don't talk to people, I tense up because it's so chaotic that I am always on guard, and I don't greet people as they are walking by. I either turn my head to the opposite direction or my eyes. I try my damnedest not to engage with people out of fear. Because I do this I get the attention of the wrong people. They follow me around the store, they pretend that they are interested in buying an item when they aren't (they see you when your sleeping, they know when you are awake. They know when you are bad or good so be good for goodness sake). I don't know what they are called because different stores have different titles for them (asset protection, store detectives, etc.) I just call them a pain, because I know it's their job to prevent and catch but it causes me to feed on my fear and react like I'm guilty. A month or so ago I was in the electronic section of a store trying to decide whether or not I wanted to by a brand new controller for my Xbox One, because my current one wouldn't work unless I wiggle and jiggle the cord jut right. Well when I want something and I know I have plans to spend my money for something more responsible I tend to battle with myself for a LONG time trying to convince myself to get the item. I have a devil and a angel sitting right on top of my shoulders. While I was having a conversation with them I kept leaning back and forth looking at the controller and some other accessories for the Xbox one, and then all of a sudden I heard a page over the intercom say, "security scan PlayStation section. I look toward that section and I see a store employee helping  another customer with an item. Then it hit me that I had been standing there for over ten minutes trying to convince myself into buying something that I wanted but I didn't need made me seem to a bit suspicious, so I left and as I was leaving one of their employees was headed in my direction. So I asked him if he could get me the tablet I came to this store to buy and I bought it and I left. Recently during my trip for underwear there was this older gentleman that looked like a manager that worked at the store. Every time I looked up he was near me. I was looking for a adding machine to buy for work, he was looking at a magazine near me. I was in electronics looking for a better adding machine than the one I saw, the guy was looking at a stereo system across the way. Maybe I felt paranoid, maybe it was just me, but after I cashed out and I left, I overheard the cashier say that I just spent $100, which is what I did.

Bottom Line:

When I come to the store I don't come there for a five finger discount. I am too panicky to get one anyways but know this. While your cronies are following someone around with signs similar to pilfering, someone who is less suspicious and way more skillful at hiding there weakness has already made off with your goods!

Difficulty

Ever since I was a child, I have had a difficult time expressing my feelings towards others. Especially people that aren't family. I've always seen the bonds others had while I looked on from away wishing I could experience it. I have had opportunities, but for some reason they were always stripped from me the moment I had a taste of it. I knew two kids across the street from me growing up, they moved away not long after I met them. Never heard from them again, but I did see their mother again years later after we all grew up. I had a dog I named Charlene. I lost her because we had to move and when this happened we conveniently moved to a house slightly behind the one we were living in before that didn't allow pets. The friend I eventually got to me was a "socalledfriend". Him and his cousin were trouble and they use to team up and make fun of me. Kids in school, some of the teachers, and strangers during my childhood really hurt me and they didn't even know that I was being scarred at home. I have been sad most of my life, with no real friends to speak of. You know, like the ones we see on TV that keep in touch forever and happily ever after. Never had one of those. I came close in high school. Whether she knows it or not I had the biggest crush on her, just because she spoke to me. I have feelings, but I have kept them so bottled up over the years because.... Well I don't know why!! Maybe I am afraid of being hurt, maybe I am afraid of losing yet someone else again, or maybe it's because I am always seeking for approval that isn't there. I don't know the reason, if I did I wouldn't be in therapy at the moment. I just know one thing for sure!

I'm Tired!!!

I'm tired of holding in my feelings, I am tired of holding in who I am because nobody relates to me. I am tired of waking up every morning wondering why I am on this planet. I am tired of comparing myself to others. The list can go on and on, but those two words above this paragraph says it all. Everyday I log on to Facebook, I log on hoping that someone would say they understand me and could actually say something that would make me believe it. Their isn't anyone like that though because I am one of the few people out there that are truly unique. It's not a boast, it's the truth.

Ask yourself this: When you see a couple with a newborn how do you react?

Most people are happy for them and congratulates them for the birth of their newborn. People who are already parents have common ground can go a little further and talk about their own experiences. Couples who want kids can still relate, and single women who are at the age where they want to be parents pretty much can do the same and be happy for the new parents. Me on the other hand, I get cold. First thing I think is that I hope they know what they are doing as far as parenting is concerned. I wonder what kind of life will the child have growing up, hoping said child's life will be better than mines, and wonder why someone would want to bring a child up in this world in the first place. Then I go back to my testicular cancer battle and remind myself that in all likelihood I can't father children and this was done to me because I would be an unfit parent. All of the things I had done to me has numbed my compassion as a human externally. Feel as though someone out there got it right in my case. Ironically, not in others (I have a theory about that coming up in Am I Thinking That). I stay away from my nephew thinking that I may damage him in some way. I don't know I just don't feel right. My feelings are there, but I can't act upon them. I know I'm depressed, but You don't even know the half of it!

Goodnight